A Tribute to the Cap'n

Yesterday's post gave us a Count, though that's more of ceremonial title. Today, we pay tribute to a true hero. Captain of all things tasty, bane of pirates everywhere, explorer of distant lands, scourge of the Soggies, and all around good guy, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch. This guy fought and bled so you could enjoy breakfast every day. He was even promoted to Admiral once, but upon the bumbling of his successors(which resulted in boxes of nothing but Crunch Berries being put on shelves, as if THAT is a bad thing, but more on that later!), rescinded his post and returned to his duties commanding the Good Ship Guppy, much to the delight of his crew.

Seriously though, the Cap'n has been serving for almost 50 years. Give this guy a medal. Cap'n Crunch remains one of my favorite cereals to this day. So simple, just corn squares, no frills, nothing fancy, just straight, to the point, and so good. Then you start throwing the varieties into the mix, and things get even better!

First and foremost: Crunch Berries! Picked from the Crunch Berry Bush, found only on Crunch Berry Island which is inhabited by the bizarre Crunch Berry Beast (or "C.B.") The C.B. subsists strictly on a diet of Crunch Berries. I am sort of jealous.

I went a lot of years without Crunch Berries in my life, because for some reason they contained gelatin. Just last year, I was lamenting this occurrence and showing someone a box of CBs in the store, when to my surprise, the ingredients list bestowed upon me the best news I had heard in over a decade. Needless to say, I immediately bought two boxes, and ate a giant mixing bowl full of them as soon as I got home.

Like all good things, capitalism and science have ruined the crunchberry. I guess since it is only native to one island, and the cereal is in such high demand, some evil corporation has begun genetically engineering them for mass production, because they now appear in purple, blue, and green in addition to the original red. They are also considerably smaller than they used to be. Jeez, if you're going to make mutant crunchberries, at least keep them big! I feel ripped off. And green? That just strikes me as "unripe." Psh. This can't be good for the C.B., either.

Speaking of strange creatures, the Cap'n has told of his encounters with Chockle, a bizarre shapeshifting blob that was relentless in pursuit of Choco Crunch. It must have eaten it all, because this criminally underrated treat only lasted a few years on the shelves in the early-mid 80s.


It may be just as well in the grand scheme of things, I think the Cap'n associating with this strange being could have only created serious uproar in the press. After all:

Urban Dictionary: chockle
1. chockle. the sound made when one is deepthroating and gags on a cock.

Well that's just unfortunate.

This chocolatey variety did last long enough to offer some pretty cool stickers inside, which I actually have and remember well!


And of course, there is Peanut Butter Crunch, which was eaten in mass quantities by a not-as-bizarre-as-a-CB-or-deepthroating-blob-but-nevertheless-a-pain-in-the-ass elephant named Smedley. Seriously, can't the Cap'n just sail the seas and endorse some cereal without being harassed by some weird creature or inconsiderate animal? Isn't it enough that he defends the world from the Soggies? Seriously, planet Earth's first line of defense against those monsters, and some shapeshifting cocksucker and a hungry pachyderm need to burden him further? Not cool.

It makes me think that his disappearance back in the 80s was intentional. Who remembers the "Where's the Cap'n?" promotion? There were some commercials, and you had to play several games and figure out some puzzles (some of which involved way cool infrared scanners, like the kind that came with Transformers that allowed you to read each character's stats on the back of the box!) on three different cereal boxes to find the clues, and then guess where he was. Turns out he was in the Milky Way. Always the fighter, the Cap'n came back after awhile, and continued his journey.

He was rewarded with a promotion to Admiral, and retired from active duty. Unfortunately, it's hard to find good help these days, and his officers screwed some stuff up, resulting in boxes of Oops! Just Berries! To be fair, there is certainly nothing wrong with that, although the balance between the corn squares and berries is probably what makes Crunch Berries so great. But the Cap'n, always the perfectionist, saw that he was the only true man for the job and returned to active duty, and to this day, still fights the good fight from the helm of the Good Ship Guppy.

Cap'n, I salute you.