God, how I love cereal. There's really nothing better than a bowl of cereal, especially late at night.
But can someone tell me why there were ever "blue carrot" shapes in Apple Jacks? Sometime back in around 2003 or 2004, Kellogg's had this genius idea, and it has been bothering me ever since. And the best part - the box says "same great Jacks taste! No apple taste! No carrot taste!" I shit you not. Look at this box!
I'm sorry, WHAT? No apple taste? Well yeah ok, it doesn't taste like apples, but come on. And wait, why DOESN'T it taste like apples? It's made from apples, and it's called Apple Jacks, for fucks sake. "No carrot taste." Great. So why did you add carrot shapes? The cereal does not list carrots as an ingredient. And why are they blue? Can anyone answer any of this for me, really?
All this confusion aside, man Apple Jacks are great. Nothing better than that sugary powder that dusts the crunch. Probably the same reason I love Froot Loops (more on them in a future post!) But I think my favorite part is the taste they leave in the milk.
Yesterday's post gave us a Count, though that's more of ceremonial title. Today, we pay tribute to a true hero. Captain of all things tasty, bane of pirates everywhere, explorer of distant lands, scourge of the Soggies, and all around good guy, Captain Horatio Magellan Crunch. This guy fought and bled so you could enjoy breakfast every day. He was even promoted to Admiral once, but upon the bumbling of his successors(which resulted in boxes of nothing but Crunch Berries being put on shelves, as if THAT is a bad thing, but more on that later!), rescinded his post and returned to his duties commanding the Good Ship Guppy, much to the delight of his crew.
Seriously though, the Cap'n has been serving for almost 50 years. Give this guy a medal. Cap'n Crunch remains one of my favorite cereals to this day. So simple, just corn squares, no frills, nothing fancy, just straight, to the point, and so good. Then you start throwing the varieties into the mix, and things get even better!
First and foremost: Crunch Berries! Picked from the Crunch Berry Bush, found only on Crunch Berry Island which is inhabited by the bizarre Crunch Berry Beast (or "C.B.") The C.B. subsists strictly on a diet of Crunch Berries. I am sort of jealous.
I went a lot of years without Crunch Berries in my life, because for some reason they contained gelatin. Just last year, I was lamenting this occurrence and showing someone a box of CBs in the store, when to my surprise, the ingredients list bestowed upon me the best news I had heard in over a decade. Needless to say, I immediately bought two boxes, and ate a giant mixing bowl full of them as soon as I got home.
Like all good things, capitalism and science have ruined the crunchberry. I guess since it is only native to one island, and the cereal is in such high demand, some evil corporation has begun genetically engineering them for mass production, because they now appear in purple, blue, and green in addition to the original red. They are also considerably smaller than they used to be. Jeez, if you're going to make mutant crunchberries, at least keep them big! I feel ripped off. And green? That just strikes me as "unripe." Psh. This can't be good for the C.B., either.
Speaking of strange creatures, the Cap'n has told of his encounters with Chockle, a bizarre shapeshifting blob that was relentless in pursuit of Choco Crunch. It must have eaten it all, because this criminally underrated treat only lasted a few years on the shelves in the early-mid 80s.
It may be just as well in the grand scheme of things, I think the Cap'n associating with this strange being could have only created serious uproar in the press. After all:
Urban Dictionary: chockle 1. chockle. the sound made when one is deepthroating and gags on a cock.
Well that's just unfortunate.
This chocolatey variety did last long enough to offer some pretty cool stickers inside, which I actually have and remember well!
And of course, there is Peanut Butter Crunch, which was eaten in mass quantities by a not-as-bizarre-as-a-CB-or-deepthroating-blob-but-nevertheless-a-pain-in-the-ass elephant named Smedley. Seriously, can't the Cap'n just sail the seas and endorse some cereal without being harassed by some weird creature or inconsiderate animal? Isn't it enough that he defends the world from the Soggies? Seriously, planet Earth's first line of defense against those monsters, and some shapeshifting cocksucker and a hungry pachyderm need to burden him further? Not cool.
It makes me think that his disappearance back in the 80s was intentional. Who remembers the "Where's the Cap'n?" promotion? There were some commercials, and you had to play several games and figure out some puzzles (some of which involved way cool infrared scanners, like the kind that came with Transformers that allowed you to read each character's stats on the back of the box!) on three different cereal boxes to find the clues, and then guess where he was. Turns out he was in the Milky Way. Always the fighter, the Cap'n came back after awhile, and continued his journey.
He was rewarded with a promotion to Admiral, and retired from active duty. Unfortunately, it's hard to find good help these days, and his officers screwed some stuff up, resulting in boxes of Oops! Just Berries! To be fair, there is certainly nothing wrong with that, although the balance between the corn squares and berries is probably what makes Crunch Berries so great. But the Cap'n, always the perfectionist, saw that he was the only true man for the job and returned to active duty, and to this day, still fights the good fight from the helm of the Good Ship Guppy.
My first post will take a look at General Mills' Monster Cereals.
Count Chocula and Frankenberry were old favorites (which my veganism has summarily removed from my morning routine; ah, small sacrifices...) but I'll be goddamned if I ever had Boo-Berry more than once in my life. So very elusive, the Holy Grail of Breakfast Cereals if you will. I'd ALWAYS tell my mom when she asked what cereal I wanted- BOO BERRY. Would always look for it in every cereal aisle of every store; never any success. I think I had it once at a friend's house, most definitely the highlight of that particular sleepover (saying a lot-my weekend sleepovers at this particular friend's house rank among my most treasured childhood memories) This was close to 25 years ago, so hell if I remember what it tasted like. Probably a different strain of the artificial color/flavor chemical cocktail that was Frankenberry. Apparently it still exists, but even to this day, I have never seen it in stores. Boo Berry really IS a ghost!
As I said though, Frank and the Count were regular guests at my breakfast table (there was another variety called Fruit Brute available through the early 80s, but I never saw that one either) throughout my childhood.
I do recall always eating the marshmallows first (sorted by color; I believe there were 4 different shades of chocolatey goodness inside in the Count's case, and a similar variety in Frankenberry) and then the crunchy things. By the time I got done eating in order, I was usually running late for school. Whatever man, I totally had my priorities straight.
In the late 80s, they introduced Yummy Mummy, a fruit flavored variety that haunted the aisles for a few years (and wasn't bad, but nowhere near as good as Frank and the Count!) before unravelling into extinction.
I also always appreciated that Frank, The Count, and that elusive prick Boo Berry shilled each other's product, though Boo didn't always show up to the set and missed his chance to plug his cereal. Seriously though - commercials hawking two or three different cereals at once? Groundbreaking, and they probably saved a lot of money on advertising. You'd think they could have used the money they saved to ship some more fucking boxes of Boo Berry out, but hey, what do I know? Probably all went to hookers and blow. It was the 80s, after all.
Here's a box of Boo Berry. I'm posting this just as reassurance that it isn't in fact a figment of my imagination!
Welcome to The Breakfast Club, where I will be celebrating all things breakfast cereal related. Great cereals of my youth, cereals that are no longer with us, memorable jingles and commercials, and of course, great prizes from inside the box (something that is sorely lacking these days, but I'll get into that later!)
Always on the lookout for anything cereal related, so if you come across anything of interest, please send it my way, and I would absolutely love to hear your comments, thoughts, and stories related to the cereals I post about. I live for this kinda stuff. You might even say...I'm cuckoo for it!
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